I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
