Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
