he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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