so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
my shit smells like andre
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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