how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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