Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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