this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
