i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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