don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
