barbara walters just said penis...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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