I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
