he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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