I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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