Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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