She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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