I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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