Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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