I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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