I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
