I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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