you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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