Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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