I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
