well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
