i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
