i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
