Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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