I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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