He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
