I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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