just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
