you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
