Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
