can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
