youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
