Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
