And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
