i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
