When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
They took my balls.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
