Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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