Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
