I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
