He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
