Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
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