It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
