I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
