I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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