yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
This is classic penis vs brain.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
