Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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