We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
