Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
